The Introspection Rundown has been life changing. Despite all the rumors, negativity and controversy about this rundown, which I can only assume has negative results if done wrong, I’m really glad to have done it!
It’s definitely not an easy process nor a quick one, but it was so worthwhile as Randy and I went back far into my history and handled about 30+ very heavily introverting experiences – I’m assuming more than the average person and why I was such a neurotic mess – and blew SO MUCH charge off of my case! One thing I noticed at the end of the rundown was how I felt bigger in terms of my physical space in that I no longer “trapped” in my head.
I also used to have a frequent weird pulling sensation on the right side of my head, not painful but annoying and I’d even had a CAT scan done out of concern. We have handled this in the rundown and now I somewhat forget that this is gone from me as well.
I also find that I don’t worry about what other people think. I don’t mean that in a reckless way, in which some people use to justify being a jerk – of course still care about what others think to some degree – but I don’t worry about what the other person is thinking of me, how I must look to them or dwell on something that I said moments earlier, as that made me incredibly neurotic and anxious. By stopping the obsessions, the needless stressing out and triple-guessing myself disappeared and I have saved a lot of time and energy. It’s not simply about stopping bad things either; I’m more confident, more present during conversations and as a result I have a lot more fun in them and with others.
I don’t feel like I have to hold myself back nor automatically look back and feel guilt and shame about something that I said either during or after conversations; if someone has an issue with me, then I’ll let them tell me about it, otherwise I’ve pretty stopped assuming bad things are happening or reading into them endlessly.
I was also unaware how in the past that I had unconsciously sought out self-help, therapy, recovery groups, even auditing and self-audited in order to vicariously fix others, which to some degree would help of course, but it wasn’t until this rundown ended that I realized while it would clean up my side of the street and make it easier for them to work on themselves and communicate with me, at the end of the day they still have to do the work and I’m not responsible for their problems. As such, I no longer feel any compulsion to “fix myself” in order to “fix others”, nor to “seem normal”. I used to alternate between thinking I was all the problem and thinking I was victim of a bad environment and upbringing with no control over what happened to me and that my current situation was a result of the past. The reality is both are true to some extent, but I realized how I have been trying to conform to others and to unhealthy environments due to many weird decisions in the past when I became introverted. Now I feel like myself and see that I have a lot more responsibility and influence over my life, environment and others than I first realized, and already am seeing good results as I own it.
My wife says I’m less anxious and points out that I don’t keep talking as I felt that I used to have to do, which I noticed that I did when I was nervous and felt like I had to explain myself thoroughly to avoid being misunderstood. I’m no longer moody like I was in the morning – granted, strong coffee helps – nor anywhere near as controlling.
I’m also more engaged with other peoples’ lives and activities as I notice that my empathy and interest for others has improved a lot as well, it’s no longer all about me or what I think or what I think they think about me, and I give them the space to be themselves. I’m also much more interested in my wife, my friends and my family, and not in a nosy way.
One interesting thing related to that, which was unintended, was that we handled a longstanding ARCX with my sister with whom I don’t much talk. The next day she contacted me to reach out and see how I was doing. Another thing is that I am able to handle upsets quickly as recently happened with a friend. Though unpleasant, it only was 30 minutes long and I spotted it and it blew without my dwelling on it for a long time and I stopped making myself wrong continuously as I used to (I’m also reevaluating with whom I spend my time).
I also noticed myself recalling a lot more memories that I’d long forgotten about. We handled all of the charged ones in session of course, but the overwhelming majority of these have been either pleasant or innocuous seemingly random life events. I’m curious why I recall them, but I am much happier to have them rather than constantly being bombarded by negative ones and self-criticizing afterwards.
I’ve also recently changed careers and I’ve managed to create a job for myself in a company that I respect at the highest hourly rate I’ve ever had. On top of that, 2 lawsuits that have gone on for nearly a year have settled at a favorable rate and outcome. Projects I’m working on now are completing, as I separate what’s in line with my purpose and jettison anything else. I think the main reason for this is that I’m able to get out of my own way and just focus on getting things done instead of procrastinating and worrying about if I’m doing something right.
Thanks to my auditor Randy for sticking with me for such a long time to get to the EP. Thanks to Kay for keeping me accountable and for the great conversations before each session. Thank you to my wife for her support as we know that difficult things always come up during session – we have a love-hate relationship with auditing, because while I know that I’ll be significantly better by the end of it, getting through the rundown tends to brings up many life challenges long left ignored and unhandled that makes it tempting to give up unless you’re persistent with getting to the end. Thanks of course to L. Ron Hubbard and the Scientology staff who developed this great process and for helping a former neurotic get out of his head!